The best laid plans of mice and men (and women) often go awry...

Most single women my age are desperately seeking a husband. Not me. I need a keeper. And by keeper, I don’t mean a man to keep me dressed in designer duds and draped in diamonds…although…I guess that wouldn’t suck. No, I need someone to crack the whip…someone to take me by the ears…look into my eyes…and tell me to focus…with real authority and conviction.

This morning, I made a plan for the day…..take the interstate to the mall….buy underwear at Macy’s lingerie sale….leave the mall WITHOUT going to any other stores….and go to McDonalds for a Caesar salad. How hard could that be?

While driving on the interstate, I noticed a road that veered off to the left. “I wonder where that goes?” I thought, as I careened across three lanes of traffic to exit left. “I didn’t need that third cup of coffee anyway,” I thought, as I wiped it off of my shirt. I got off the interstate, and turned onto a street that I was pretty sure went somewhere close to the mall. “OMG!….a DSW Shoe Warehouse!” I squealed with delight, as I whipped into the parking lot...however, it was not the mall parking lot.

I walked around in a shoe stupor for about an hour…clutching three pairs of sandals…trying to decide which ones I liked best…until I realized that all three pairs were black, and variations of the black sandals that I was already wearing. I put them back on the shelf and left.

Suddenly, I was as ravenous as a pot-head after a Grateful Dead concert. “Wow man, where did that imagery come from?” I thought. I noticed a café across the street…a “raw food” café called Bliss. I’d heard about the raw food craze, but had never been to a restaurant that served only uncooked food. So I decided to skip McDonalds, and go raw.

I was in the mood for something unusual and spicy. I asked the waitress to surprise me. I told her I liked Thai food, so she brought me a raw version of Pad Thai. I have no idea what was in it…looked like julienned and chopped vegetables with a peanut sauce….but it was delicious. It had just the right amount of spicy heat, was vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free….and conjured up fond memories of afternoons at the old Babylon Café in Memphis….only the food was somewhat more complex and sophisticated. I sat there contently devouring my raw Pad Thai with chopsticks….grooving to Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, and Crosby, Stills & Nash….and trying to figure out where I was in relation to the mall.

Another hour later, I parked my car in front of Macy’s and ran in to buy underwear. “But wait!” I thought, as I headed for the lingerie department. “I wonder if the Anthropologie store here has that cute top I tried on at the Anthropologie store in Highland Park last week….only in my size?” I dashed out of Macy’s into the mall. I stopped by Urban Outfitters on the way to Anthropologie to try on tee shirts. Then I went into Sephora for a complimentary makeover, looked at jewelry in Barney‘s, walked thru Cartier and Louis Vuitton, and tried on a fabulous cocktail dress at Roberto Cavalli. Why? Because I could. I just couldn’t buy it. On the way back to Macy’s, I stopped at Paciugo for a scoop…ok, two scoops…of Mediterranean sea-salt caramel gelato. Orgasmic!

So today, my simple plan went totally awry….again. My spontaneous streak and lack of-self discipline spun out of control….again. But what a fabulous day! I’m relaxed and happy, I’ve got new undies, and I have a new lipstick from Sephora that Stevan (with an “a”) told me I must have because it’s “my color!” Maybe I don’t need a keeper after all. Maybe I just need a GPS…

C